The 5 Treatises of Bemmanuel Rant
(its a funny joke I swear) (please hold dissent until the end)Cyclops from X-Men has two GLARING flaws
Background
Cyclops is the laser eye man from XMEN
His eyes are always shooting lasers
He can’t turn them off, only block them
His eyelids block them
So do his red glasses
His visor
His costume includes a visor that lets him block/unblock the laserbeams
He can block/unblock the lasers using a lever on the side of the visor
The problem
The guy with LASER EYES becomes USELESS if his HANDS ARE BUSY
Is this the STONEAGE?
You defeat this guy with HANDCUFFS! Rope!
Ask him to carry your bags and he’s DEFENCELESS
The Solution
He needs a hands-free way to turn the laser on and off
Some magic way to block/unblock the beams without needing to touch his face
Something like….
HIS FUCKING EYELIDS
Give him a red monocle so he can use one eye to see his way around
Then if he ever needs a laserbeam he can just OPEN HIS OTHER EYE
HANDS FREE
SO EASY
JUST DO IT
I also hate his name
His name is Cyclops
The man has TWO EYES
I rest my case
(just call him Gazerbeam like in the Incredibles that’s such a damn good name)
Suncream is a scam
The downsides
It’s sticky
You need to re-apply it every hour
You need to put on even more than you already do (statistically)
You need to KEEP BUYING IT because it RUNS OUT
Which also means you’re constantly throwing away plastic packaging
The solution
BIG CLOTHES
You buy them ONCE
You just…wear them
No re-applying
No “you didn’t put on enough”
No STICKY
It’s worked for fucking millenia we don’t need a summer subscription to SPF-cum
The Sun is a Sky Bastard
Why?
Because it hates each and every one of us
- sunburn
- blindness
- making things TOO DAMN HOT
The sun is a bastard
More on blindness
I used to walk to work
So I got the JOY of dealing with low-horizon sun for half an hour
It blinds you from the front
It reflects off every goddamn metal/wet surface to blind you from the side
You put it behind you but NOOOO it STILL BLINDS YOU by reflecting off your OWN DAMN GLASSES
If an old man broke into your house, set fire to your arms, stabbed your eyes out, and doused you in GREASE every day, you wouldn’t worship him for putting fresh milk in the fridge you’d tell him to fuck off.
The solution
It’s big and shit and needs to fuck off
We need more clouds or something
Computers CAN divide by zero they just HATE YOU
What they want you to think
“Dividing by zero doesn’t make logical sense.”
“It’s conceptually invalid”
“Division is defined as anti-multiplication. Since
$$x / 0 = y $$
cannot be undone with
$$0 * y = x$$
it technically isn’t division.”
The truth
LOOK AT THIS FUCKING GRAPH THE ANSWER IS SO OBVIOUS
The truth (cont)
$$x/0=INFINITY$$
THERE! THE ANSWER! WASN’T THAT HARD WAS IT!Fun computer facts
The IEEE 754 standard for floating point numbers EXPLICITLY LISTS INFINITY AS THE RESULT OF A DIVIDE BY ZERO
Many programming languages follow this standard but specify divide by zero as undefined behaviour (meaning you can’t rely on it).
Most IMPLEMENTATIONS of programming languages DO RETURN INFINITY but you can’t RELY on it because the language itself is too COWED BY THE ESTABLISHMENT!
In other news
I’m sick of writing
try{
return maths();
}catch(exception){
oh no;
}
just because I DARED use one of the FUNDAMENTAL MATHEMATICAL OPERATIONS
just let me write this instead
auto result = maths();
if(result.isNotValid()) oh no;
return result;
or even better
return maths();
goddamn 8 year olds learn division why the fuck are we CHOOSING to embed a goddamn special case that doesn’t need to be there
Computers need to stop SHITTING THE BED just because you DARED divide one number by another number
JUST RETURN INFINITY
Fist the Pringles Can (gently)
Standard procedure
Tip the can so the pringles slide/fall towards the opening
The problem
This fucks up the stack
Pringles fall down the side
Some get stuck and need to be smashed to get the rest out
Waste of a pringle right there
The solution
Keep the can upright
Just slide your hand in and grab some with your fingertips
The stack stays perfectly aligned
No Pringles need to be sacrificed
(you can do it. I believe in you. Bo Burnham is just communist propaganda)